Earlier this year i had the opportunity to learn how to juggle from my younger brother, who has become something of a juggle fanatic. He gave me all the tricks and points and started me slowly with one ball, then two, then the standard of three. And it was at this point that i kept hitting myself in the face and forehead. I don't know what it was that made me do this but after about two rotations, i would throw a ball right into my own face. I think i did it about 10 times when i realized...hey, this isn't getting much better...maybe i should stop.
Do you ever feel like that? That you have all these different parts of your life that are important and need to be done but in trying to juggle them all, you keep hitting yourself in the face?
My wife and I talk about this a lot. For some reason, this transition to 'adulthood' has come with a steep learning curve on juggling. We juggle our personal time, our devotion time, our couple time, our baby time, our work time, our family time and our friend time. I'm sure you can add some extras in there too. And you feel like each is important and that you really need it but you end up sucking at most of them. You stop calling your friends (sorry mo), you stop writing messages on your families facebook page (sorry kisha), you get all snotty trying to look at wallpaper (sorry honey), and you pray prayers that are just words and your mind is fully on sleep mode (sorry God). Is this what being an adult is about...trying so hard to do everything and having to say sorry to everyone?
This is that dreaded part when i want to say the "right answer" and tie everything up nice together. And I could. I could pull the right answer right out of my arse but i wouldn't be living it. So, there it is. THis is where i'm at right now. Well, at least one part of where i'm at right now. Hopefully i'll have time this month to actually write once a week instead of completely letting it go (sorry blog).
Praying with a Sword in Hand.
I've always wanted a sword. Now, if you know me, you know this isn't the greatest idea. I would for sure cut off my own arm. Or the arm of my wife...child even. Still, i have this overwhelming desire to take a huge metal (is that what they are even made of? ) sword and swing it over my head like i was Aragorn from Lord of the Rings and i would grunt like a professional tennis player and have long, sweaty hair that went past my shoulders! (Bless the LORD I'm married and my wife has VOWED to never let me go as crazy as my imagination would let me)
Many years ago I was talking to God about this desire (i wonder if this has anything to do with watching all that He-Man and She-ra when i was a kid) and He said that it was cool, He loved that I had this desire and that He made me with it. I've only heard God say this to me on three occasions. Once about my singing, recently about my creativity, and years ago about this sword envy. Of Course, as God is apt to do, He explained the situation a little deeper.
He said that I've been called to be a warrior. I've been called to cut things down and kill things with a sword. Not a literal sword but with truth. With the word(s) of God. I would be able to use the bible and what God has to say to help people stop believing the lies they've been told and to cut through the barriers people put up against love. I thought what God was saying was strange and weird and i didn't really get it. and so, i ignored it for, uhm... a whole lot of years.
Recently I feel that God wants me to learn about prayer. I think He wants me to start being the warrior who uses a sword. In praying, i'm going to be doing some cutting and killing in a spiritual world that i can't see. I'm going to be not just asking God for things but actually saying things that will happen or need to happen.
So...i might not end up looking like Aragorn (AWH, i want to cause he is SOOO cool!) but I think there is an adventure God has for me that requires me to be the kind of guy who prays things into being. I will be fighting for my family and my friends in prayer. I will be praying against sickness and despair and discouragement. Hey...enough of all this prayer talk...why not start now!
Dear Lord, Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for desires that seem silly and stupid but speak to a me that I don't even know yet. Lord, you know my beginning and end and you are working good things within me. Lord, help me become the prayer person who boldly calls out the impossible. Who tells mountains to move. Who steps into seas and tells them to separate. I look forward to seeing what adventures lie ahead. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Many years ago I was talking to God about this desire (i wonder if this has anything to do with watching all that He-Man and She-ra when i was a kid) and He said that it was cool, He loved that I had this desire and that He made me with it. I've only heard God say this to me on three occasions. Once about my singing, recently about my creativity, and years ago about this sword envy. Of Course, as God is apt to do, He explained the situation a little deeper.
He said that I've been called to be a warrior. I've been called to cut things down and kill things with a sword. Not a literal sword but with truth. With the word(s) of God. I would be able to use the bible and what God has to say to help people stop believing the lies they've been told and to cut through the barriers people put up against love. I thought what God was saying was strange and weird and i didn't really get it. and so, i ignored it for, uhm... a whole lot of years.
Recently I feel that God wants me to learn about prayer. I think He wants me to start being the warrior who uses a sword. In praying, i'm going to be doing some cutting and killing in a spiritual world that i can't see. I'm going to be not just asking God for things but actually saying things that will happen or need to happen.
So...i might not end up looking like Aragorn (AWH, i want to cause he is SOOO cool!) but I think there is an adventure God has for me that requires me to be the kind of guy who prays things into being. I will be fighting for my family and my friends in prayer. I will be praying against sickness and despair and discouragement. Hey...enough of all this prayer talk...why not start now!
Dear Lord, Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for desires that seem silly and stupid but speak to a me that I don't even know yet. Lord, you know my beginning and end and you are working good things within me. Lord, help me become the prayer person who boldly calls out the impossible. Who tells mountains to move. Who steps into seas and tells them to separate. I look forward to seeing what adventures lie ahead. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Getting ready for something new
I think God might be chasing me. I think that He is pretty stankin' close and though i can't see him or hear him, He's right around the corner ready to make himself known. Its exciting. Its concerning. I feel like i'm being pursued.
This could easily be taken as a bad thing. Who wants to be chased...and by the creator of the universe. Especially when you know that you haven't been close to his standards and if God were anything like you (a human) he would probably not be very happy. I feel like that most of the time...until i start talking to him.
He loves me. God really, really loves me. I am the one that Jesus loves. He is fully interested in my life and fears and dreams. He considers me his child and wants to spend time with me. To give me purpose and meaning and identity.
There's a verse in the bible that says "perfect love casts out fear". I know that this is true. God loves me so much that when i get close to him all the fear of judgement and stanky attitude is totally forgotten. Seriously, i don't even remember that i was so afraid. He says some tough things sometimes and sometimes I don't wanna listen but i'm never afraid to talk to him.
I've been in some pretty cool situations with God and I know that He has taken care of me SO MANY TIMES. I feel like He is getting ready to take me to a new level. He is preparing me to see things through his eyes. To see myself the way He sees me. To love other people the way Jesus would love them.
Its pretty exciting. I look forward to sharing whatever i learn with you guys on this blog. Yup, its time to change the name! WOW...things are changing. Thanks for being a part of it.
This could easily be taken as a bad thing. Who wants to be chased...and by the creator of the universe. Especially when you know that you haven't been close to his standards and if God were anything like you (a human) he would probably not be very happy. I feel like that most of the time...until i start talking to him.
He loves me. God really, really loves me. I am the one that Jesus loves. He is fully interested in my life and fears and dreams. He considers me his child and wants to spend time with me. To give me purpose and meaning and identity.
There's a verse in the bible that says "perfect love casts out fear". I know that this is true. God loves me so much that when i get close to him all the fear of judgement and stanky attitude is totally forgotten. Seriously, i don't even remember that i was so afraid. He says some tough things sometimes and sometimes I don't wanna listen but i'm never afraid to talk to him.
I've been in some pretty cool situations with God and I know that He has taken care of me SO MANY TIMES. I feel like He is getting ready to take me to a new level. He is preparing me to see things through his eyes. To see myself the way He sees me. To love other people the way Jesus would love them.
Its pretty exciting. I look forward to sharing whatever i learn with you guys on this blog. Yup, its time to change the name! WOW...things are changing. Thanks for being a part of it.
From Sperm Donor to Father
After a little over two weeks away from my one year old son, I am back being a stay at home dad, looking for a job and trying to teach my little boy the necessary skills for life...no pressure! I haven't spoken about him too much here and after looking at him play for a good hour, i felt he was very deserving of a post on my blog.
First of, he might be the cutest child EVER. And I totally realize that this may not be true. Actually, he might be very ugly (i seriously doubt that though) but because I'm his dad and I'm blinded by my love for him, i can't help but feel he's the cutest person ever. It always gets me though when i look at old pictures and see just how uncute he was months before. He looked like a little featherless chicken. He's head was totally out of shape with his body. He wasn't that cute but Lord knows, no one could of convinced me otherwise.
Second, He's brilliant. Yup, his little baby mind is amazing and he is always trying to figure out everything. How does the CD player work? How can i play the guitar? What do bugs taste like? How can i dance like Joshua from So you think you can dance? He's brain is always moving. He now knows where his nose is, and his mouth...so he puts his fingers up his nose when you ask him where his eyes are but 2 of out 3 ain't that bad.
Third, He loves. He loves giving hugs and kissing people and being cuddly. He gets excited when he sees his 'Nana' and loves meeting new people. He is gentle with babies and waves at strangers and lets me kiss his neck (then bite it, then scratch off his face with my beard). I can have an array of babysitters cause he loves being with people.
I love my son. My heart melts when i see him and i want him to have the best of everything. I want him to learn all that needs to be learned so he can be successful and joyful and ready for life. I want to grow old and watch him have children and go to school and go on adventures together.
I knew i would feel a lot being a dad but i didn't expect it to be this much and for it to be deep. I'm a pretty superficial guy (usually) and my feelings are often and usually pass by but being a father is like deep on my inside. Like, below my belly button. Its like something that seeps into every thought i have and every feeling i feel. I think i might be transforming from a 'sperm donor' to a father. If i could explain it (whoa...i haven't been this creative in AGES) but it as if each time i interact with my son, the man who takes care of himself and strives for his personal desires and thinks mainly of himself dies and I transform in my brain and in desires to do all i can for him. Its pretty amazing and shocking.
Well, i didn't think i was gonna talk about that tonight. There's a weird peek into my feelings of being a father. Thanks everyone for reading. I just read through all the comments and you guys are awesome! Keep those comments coming. I should be back on schedule of writing every Tuesday. See you soon.
First of, he might be the cutest child EVER. And I totally realize that this may not be true. Actually, he might be very ugly (i seriously doubt that though) but because I'm his dad and I'm blinded by my love for him, i can't help but feel he's the cutest person ever. It always gets me though when i look at old pictures and see just how uncute he was months before. He looked like a little featherless chicken. He's head was totally out of shape with his body. He wasn't that cute but Lord knows, no one could of convinced me otherwise.
Second, He's brilliant. Yup, his little baby mind is amazing and he is always trying to figure out everything. How does the CD player work? How can i play the guitar? What do bugs taste like? How can i dance like Joshua from So you think you can dance? He's brain is always moving. He now knows where his nose is, and his mouth...so he puts his fingers up his nose when you ask him where his eyes are but 2 of out 3 ain't that bad.
Third, He loves. He loves giving hugs and kissing people and being cuddly. He gets excited when he sees his 'Nana' and loves meeting new people. He is gentle with babies and waves at strangers and lets me kiss his neck (then bite it, then scratch off his face with my beard). I can have an array of babysitters cause he loves being with people.
I love my son. My heart melts when i see him and i want him to have the best of everything. I want him to learn all that needs to be learned so he can be successful and joyful and ready for life. I want to grow old and watch him have children and go to school and go on adventures together.
I knew i would feel a lot being a dad but i didn't expect it to be this much and for it to be deep. I'm a pretty superficial guy (usually) and my feelings are often and usually pass by but being a father is like deep on my inside. Like, below my belly button. Its like something that seeps into every thought i have and every feeling i feel. I think i might be transforming from a 'sperm donor' to a father. If i could explain it (whoa...i haven't been this creative in AGES) but it as if each time i interact with my son, the man who takes care of himself and strives for his personal desires and thinks mainly of himself dies and I transform in my brain and in desires to do all i can for him. Its pretty amazing and shocking.
Well, i didn't think i was gonna talk about that tonight. There's a weird peek into my feelings of being a father. Thanks everyone for reading. I just read through all the comments and you guys are awesome! Keep those comments coming. I should be back on schedule of writing every Tuesday. See you soon.
It is well with my soul (changed from Maybe/ weeping with Jesus)
HAHAHA...I just turned 15.
I just wrote the most melancholy blog I've ever written and just verbally moped about my current situation and then i wasn't able to copy it from my word document to this blog...HA...i get the point!
So, the quick summary is:
1.Getting a us visa SUCKS
2.I'm not allowed to cross the border until i get my visa
3. My wife and child are in Seattle, while i wait in Montreal
4. There is not really a timeline on when i will get my visa.
I feel my horribly miserable blog was totally appropriate but i guess not. i did realize that it wouldn't make my wife feel very good and she would worry. When in truth, I'm not that bad. it was just a bad moment. I have hope.
I started off by saying that i had turned 15. Man, was that ever my teenage years. One unfortunate event and i was practically cutting. Bless the Lord that wasn't popular when i was young cause i would of been a poster child for the cause. Instead i had sad sad movies. How i came to identify with 'Philadelphia" and "the Last of the Mohican's" is silly. Grey was my favorite color. i missed all the 'cool' 80's clothes cause i loved big woolly dark sweaters.
i enjoyed being miserable. it was comforting. I loved walking in the rain singing sad love songs and being WAY TOO OVER DRAMATIC (some would argue this hasn't changed). Bless the Lord for friends who love you even when you are C R A Z Y!!! Bless the Lord for a wife, who on most occasions, can pierce my dark gloomy clouds with a brilliant (sometimes painful) dose of reality. Things aren't that bad. They could actually be a whole lot worse.
Amen. Amen. Things could be a whole lot worse. yeah, they aren't the greatest i've ever experienced but heck, its definitely not the worse i've experienced. Nor the worst experienced by countless millions all over the world.
So, I'm choosing to smile, to sing, to laugh, to pray and to wait. Things will get better. Amen.
I just wrote the most melancholy blog I've ever written and just verbally moped about my current situation and then i wasn't able to copy it from my word document to this blog...HA...i get the point!
So, the quick summary is:
1.Getting a us visa SUCKS
2.I'm not allowed to cross the border until i get my visa
3. My wife and child are in Seattle, while i wait in Montreal
4. There is not really a timeline on when i will get my visa.
I feel my horribly miserable blog was totally appropriate but i guess not. i did realize that it wouldn't make my wife feel very good and she would worry. When in truth, I'm not that bad. it was just a bad moment. I have hope.
I started off by saying that i had turned 15. Man, was that ever my teenage years. One unfortunate event and i was practically cutting. Bless the Lord that wasn't popular when i was young cause i would of been a poster child for the cause. Instead i had sad sad movies. How i came to identify with 'Philadelphia" and "the Last of the Mohican's" is silly. Grey was my favorite color. i missed all the 'cool' 80's clothes cause i loved big woolly dark sweaters.
i enjoyed being miserable. it was comforting. I loved walking in the rain singing sad love songs and being WAY TOO OVER DRAMATIC (some would argue this hasn't changed). Bless the Lord for friends who love you even when you are C R A Z Y!!! Bless the Lord for a wife, who on most occasions, can pierce my dark gloomy clouds with a brilliant (sometimes painful) dose of reality. Things aren't that bad. They could actually be a whole lot worse.
Amen. Amen. Things could be a whole lot worse. yeah, they aren't the greatest i've ever experienced but heck, its definitely not the worse i've experienced. Nor the worst experienced by countless millions all over the world.
So, I'm choosing to smile, to sing, to laugh, to pray and to wait. Things will get better. Amen.
Breathe in me
I used to be so sensitive to the light that leads to where you are
So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new life in me again
-Breathe in Me by Micheal W Smith-
Now I've acquired these callouses with the darkness of a cold and jaded heart
So breathe in me I need you now I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me Maybe somehow You can breathe new life in me again
-Breathe in Me by Micheal W Smith-
Lord, thank you for all that you've given me. I pray that i would be able to thank you with my heart and words. May my heart not become so calloused, so cold. Lord, you are able to comfort me in sadness and protect me in times of danger and love me when i'm unlovable. Breathe in me again. In Jesus name, Amen
Yay denying yourself...FUN!
Do you ever have those moments when you think the little trials you are facing are in fact, just practice runs for the bigger and more rewarding ones you will face later? The way things are going right now, i'm never gonna get to the bigger ones.
self-control. self-denial; the act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses wordnet.princeton.edu
Yeah...controlling your impulses...okay...time for some honesty.
I'M SO BAD AT THAT!!!! From the little to a little more dangerous i totally struggle with controlling my impulses. I must buy gummy bears when i don't have money. I watch stupid movies that i know aren't good for me and take away my much needed sleep. I often want random things and work on getting them. And though, these don't sound too serious, i'm beginning to notice how it may be linked to other things that are.
My church in seattle is currently doing a fast till easter. I totally believe in fasting. Its a wonderful way to refocus your mind and body on God. It is saying with actions that i will deny myself and my wants to get to know you better. It is saying that 'I believe God is my provider and will take care of my every need. He is my substance and without Him I am nothing. What it also does is show me how little self control I have.
I decided to fast sugars and sweets. If you don't know, i eat candy like its what keeps me alive. And i take WAY too much sugar in my tea. and i have 3 teas a day. And its not like there isn't any consequences. I have horrible teeth. So, to fast sugar has been tougher than i thought. I really thought it was gonna be easy. EASY...this is a key word. Self control and easy can't be together. Self control isn't easy. Its annoying and hard and NO FUN. So, when i decided to fast sugars and sweets, i knew that the same day i was going to be making apple crumble and the next day a birthday cake for my mom. Come on...really? Couldn't it be something else? Did i have to give up cake? Its been so hard for me walk by the cake i made my mom cause i want nothing else to eat it! But self control. I am making a vow with GOD. I will hold off. Now, if i stuggle with a vow to THE LORD, what does this say about my vows to my wife and child and family and friends? Its so scary to think about, i think it keeps me fasting. I don't wanna be the guy who knows what is right but has no self control so can't say no. God, save me from my own desires that aren't good. I don't believe all desires are bad but we all desire stupid things and we all need self control to say no.
Ya know what...i don't know if i've explained this right or clearly but it is really getting to me. I have been feeling so much about this. I'm gonna just pray. You can pray these words or come up with your own. God bless.
Dear Lord, You are good, great and awesome. Thank you for all the wonderful things you have placed in my life. God help me to show self control in the little things and in the big things. May I have the guts to walk away from the things that hurt you, me and thoes around me. In Jesus name, Amen.
self-control. self-denial; the act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses wordnet.princeton.edu
Yeah...controlling your impulses...okay...time for some honesty.
I'M SO BAD AT THAT!!!! From the little to a little more dangerous i totally struggle with controlling my impulses. I must buy gummy bears when i don't have money. I watch stupid movies that i know aren't good for me and take away my much needed sleep. I often want random things and work on getting them. And though, these don't sound too serious, i'm beginning to notice how it may be linked to other things that are.
My church in seattle is currently doing a fast till easter. I totally believe in fasting. Its a wonderful way to refocus your mind and body on God. It is saying with actions that i will deny myself and my wants to get to know you better. It is saying that 'I believe God is my provider and will take care of my every need. He is my substance and without Him I am nothing. What it also does is show me how little self control I have.
I decided to fast sugars and sweets. If you don't know, i eat candy like its what keeps me alive. And i take WAY too much sugar in my tea. and i have 3 teas a day. And its not like there isn't any consequences. I have horrible teeth. So, to fast sugar has been tougher than i thought. I really thought it was gonna be easy. EASY...this is a key word. Self control and easy can't be together. Self control isn't easy. Its annoying and hard and NO FUN. So, when i decided to fast sugars and sweets, i knew that the same day i was going to be making apple crumble and the next day a birthday cake for my mom. Come on...really? Couldn't it be something else? Did i have to give up cake? Its been so hard for me walk by the cake i made my mom cause i want nothing else to eat it! But self control. I am making a vow with GOD. I will hold off. Now, if i stuggle with a vow to THE LORD, what does this say about my vows to my wife and child and family and friends? Its so scary to think about, i think it keeps me fasting. I don't wanna be the guy who knows what is right but has no self control so can't say no. God, save me from my own desires that aren't good. I don't believe all desires are bad but we all desire stupid things and we all need self control to say no.
Ya know what...i don't know if i've explained this right or clearly but it is really getting to me. I have been feeling so much about this. I'm gonna just pray. You can pray these words or come up with your own. God bless.
Dear Lord, You are good, great and awesome. Thank you for all the wonderful things you have placed in my life. God help me to show self control in the little things and in the big things. May I have the guts to walk away from the things that hurt you, me and thoes around me. In Jesus name, Amen.
Is Judd Apatow doing my job?
Disclaimer: I do not encourage people to go out and rent the movies i am going to talk about in this blog. These movies are R-rated because of nudity, subject matter and drug references. Be a smart movie watcher and research them first.
I'll admit this. I've watched half of superbad and thought it was hilarious. I've watched Role Models and laughed out loud. I've watched Tropic Thunder and maybe laughed at the worst part of the movie. I've become a sucker for gross comedies.
HAHAHA! Oh my goodness...i'm gonna tell a horrible story. I saw the movie "Something About Mary" in the theaters with my wife when we were graduating from High School. It was stupid and very very funny. I remember having my best friend/future wife explain to me a scene involving a male bodily function. a Major low point on my coolness scale.
I haven't seen that movie since that time. If i remember correctly it was basically a goofy (and dirty) romance comedy. Like the Van Wilder movies and american pie movies and all the teenage boys trying to lose their virginity movies. What i thought superbad was going to be about.
Apparently Judd Apatow is trying to steal my job. Mr. Apatow is the producer of Superbad. He has also produced the 40 year old virgin & knocked up. I was introduced to Mr. Apatow by a 16 year old guy who used to attend the church youth group my wife and I were leading. Superbad is a story of two senior teenagers who are trying to get to a party and have sex before heading off to college. Yet under this plot (and all the penis jokes and drinking) there is a not so sutble focus on male friendships and male role models. So, while all these teens are laughing their butts off they are also resonating with the deeper things portrayed in this movie.
being a youth worker I'm challenged by these movies. Not cause of what they show in it but because am I being as relevant? Am I able to show teenagers (especially young men) that deep friendships are okay and they can talk about their feelings, and have feelings and still be funny and macho?
I'm glad that after i watched half of superbad with this youth we were able to talk about what we saw in the movie and how he felt it related to him. It didn't turn into a sunday school lesson (that would be super creative on my part!) but we were able to speak about the need for male role models and adults taking an interest in his life and how its okay to love your friends and tell them.
So, yay for stupid comedies with meanings. I look forward to the next next one coming out, I Love You, Man. I think Apatow is really getting at something. Hopefully people can hear it.
I'll admit this. I've watched half of superbad and thought it was hilarious. I've watched Role Models and laughed out loud. I've watched Tropic Thunder and maybe laughed at the worst part of the movie. I've become a sucker for gross comedies.
HAHAHA! Oh my goodness...i'm gonna tell a horrible story. I saw the movie "Something About Mary" in the theaters with my wife when we were graduating from High School. It was stupid and very very funny. I remember having my best friend/future wife explain to me a scene involving a male bodily function. a Major low point on my coolness scale.
I haven't seen that movie since that time. If i remember correctly it was basically a goofy (and dirty) romance comedy. Like the Van Wilder movies and american pie movies and all the teenage boys trying to lose their virginity movies. What i thought superbad was going to be about.
Apparently Judd Apatow is trying to steal my job. Mr. Apatow is the producer of Superbad. He has also produced the 40 year old virgin & knocked up. I was introduced to Mr. Apatow by a 16 year old guy who used to attend the church youth group my wife and I were leading. Superbad is a story of two senior teenagers who are trying to get to a party and have sex before heading off to college. Yet under this plot (and all the penis jokes and drinking) there is a not so sutble focus on male friendships and male role models. So, while all these teens are laughing their butts off they are also resonating with the deeper things portrayed in this movie.
being a youth worker I'm challenged by these movies. Not cause of what they show in it but because am I being as relevant? Am I able to show teenagers (especially young men) that deep friendships are okay and they can talk about their feelings, and have feelings and still be funny and macho?
I'm glad that after i watched half of superbad with this youth we were able to talk about what we saw in the movie and how he felt it related to him. It didn't turn into a sunday school lesson (that would be super creative on my part!) but we were able to speak about the need for male role models and adults taking an interest in his life and how its okay to love your friends and tell them.
So, yay for stupid comedies with meanings. I look forward to the next next one coming out, I Love You, Man. I think Apatow is really getting at something. Hopefully people can hear it.
Cojones
“I'm not insecure. I've been through way too much f**king sh*t to be insecure. I've got huge balls."
Drew Barrymore
Or Cojones, as my wife would say. Cojones, balls, nuts, testicles. What I mean is, the boldness and bravery to face something that others would run from or ignore. I want to have BIG cojones.
I was at my regular Monday meeting and before it started, there were a few people scattered around the room, not talking. Some were on their cell phones, some were nodding to the music, others were staring off into space. I was sitting there sulking. And fuming. Again, i felt out of place and like a big loser. No one had called me a loser and apprently there was no "place" for me to feel out of. Then i heard it. I would like to say it was the funny voice of God.
"I made you with Cojones"
HA! I, the one who was made fun of in elementary and high school for being "gay". Eddie, the one who strangers would point and laugh at in the YMCA? The tall skinny poor black boy who looked like he should be able to play basketball but couldn't dribble and run in a straight line? God must be joking! As my mom said, without thinking of my feelings of embasserment "i think eddie was born with only one testicle" (for the record...i have two. 3 nipples...two testicles!).
"I made you with Cojones"
I think God said it like a dare. He has proven to me time and time again, He's got my back. I can take risks and He will protect me. Not stupid risks but the kind that push me out of my comfort zone and through the cultural norms that are ridiculous. I don't have to be afriad of peoples opinions of me or stay silent when i have the time to say hello.
I'm gonna do a little side track. I'm tired of the interest and activism from the christian world being directed at women and children. I am not against this type of work and don't want to take away from it at all. I want there to be a focus on men as well. After living in Central America for a year, i saw alot of missionaries reach out to children and women and ignore the men standing in the background. and then i realized, i was doing the exact same thing. I was totally comfortable going to teach children at a school or helping the mothers with their children, but the hard working man who is trying to take care of his family or the tough gang member who chilled out at the bar i would stay away from. They were hard, scary, unsafe. Or i just lacked Cojones.
"i made you with Cojones"
I ended up talking to the people in the room, introducing myself and putting myself out there. It was small. Very small but it was a step. I want to be able to approach anyone and not be afraid of their reaction to me. I want to know that i've gone through too much bleepin' poop (hehe pg rated) to be insecure and shy and afraid. God made me with Cojones. I don't need to be insecure.
I was at my regular Monday meeting and before it started, there were a few people scattered around the room, not talking. Some were on their cell phones, some were nodding to the music, others were staring off into space. I was sitting there sulking. And fuming. Again, i felt out of place and like a big loser. No one had called me a loser and apprently there was no "place" for me to feel out of. Then i heard it. I would like to say it was the funny voice of God.
"I made you with Cojones"
HA! I, the one who was made fun of in elementary and high school for being "gay". Eddie, the one who strangers would point and laugh at in the YMCA? The tall skinny poor black boy who looked like he should be able to play basketball but couldn't dribble and run in a straight line? God must be joking! As my mom said, without thinking of my feelings of embasserment "i think eddie was born with only one testicle" (for the record...i have two. 3 nipples...two testicles!).
"I made you with Cojones"
I think God said it like a dare. He has proven to me time and time again, He's got my back. I can take risks and He will protect me. Not stupid risks but the kind that push me out of my comfort zone and through the cultural norms that are ridiculous. I don't have to be afriad of peoples opinions of me or stay silent when i have the time to say hello.
I'm gonna do a little side track. I'm tired of the interest and activism from the christian world being directed at women and children. I am not against this type of work and don't want to take away from it at all. I want there to be a focus on men as well. After living in Central America for a year, i saw alot of missionaries reach out to children and women and ignore the men standing in the background. and then i realized, i was doing the exact same thing. I was totally comfortable going to teach children at a school or helping the mothers with their children, but the hard working man who is trying to take care of his family or the tough gang member who chilled out at the bar i would stay away from. They were hard, scary, unsafe. Or i just lacked Cojones.
"i made you with Cojones"
I ended up talking to the people in the room, introducing myself and putting myself out there. It was small. Very small but it was a step. I want to be able to approach anyone and not be afraid of their reaction to me. I want to know that i've gone through too much bleepin' poop (hehe pg rated) to be insecure and shy and afraid. God made me with Cojones. I don't need to be insecure.
Prayer for a crappy day
Dear Lord, I need you.
I'm tired and weak and wanting to swear.
My patience is fading and i'm quick to attack, retreat, grow cold and turn away.
There is so much i have to be grateful for but i seem to just be focusing on the wrong.
Lord, thank you that you are in everything.
You are able to make the worst situation into something beautiful.
You are able to take the bad day I had and make it special.
Open my eyes to see you at work in my life.
You are doing things, making me new, turning things around.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm tired and weak and wanting to swear.
My patience is fading and i'm quick to attack, retreat, grow cold and turn away.
There is so much i have to be grateful for but i seem to just be focusing on the wrong.
Lord, thank you that you are in everything.
You are able to make the worst situation into something beautiful.
You are able to take the bad day I had and make it special.
Open my eyes to see you at work in my life.
You are doing things, making me new, turning things around.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Black History Month
A couple of days ago I read a letter from a leader from my church. It was talking about Obama and how its seems people are putting too much hope in one man that really should be placed in God. i was SO offended. I was fuming actually. Okay...specifics, he said that:
I think I look for an offense. I seem to be constantly on the search out for the way someone might offended me. I think there is some anger in me when i think of the injustices done to black people and how, even today, there is still racism and ideas that keep black people down. I also think, i don't know how to deal with it, or talk about it, or change it, so i think i'm fine until i start finding offenses with things i've said myself.
My mom has been hurt by someone who should of been protecting her. And because of their wrong, she suffered even more in life. Yet, she is not offended by them. I have seen my mother reach out time and time again to love and help and bless them. Somehow, she has not let this offense keep her from loving, even to the very person who hurt her so badly.
Black history month has a lesson for everyone. Everyone has been wronged somehow. Everyone has been hurt but someone who was supposed to protect them and love them. One thing black history month highlights is forgiving and not taking offense. To not ignore or excuse when things are wrong but to not hate others even when they do wrong to you. That is not restricited to a black people. I hope that as February and Black History Month come to a close, you think about the offenses you still hold on to and why forgiveness is a first step to saying "free at last".
First, we live in an amazing country. The fact that we can elect Barack Obama as our President is a testament to how far we have come as a nation. Many would say our past of slavery, segregation, and discrimination is further behind us now than ever. While there are still some with grievances, even they must admit that things have changed for the better with the election of President Obama.Later that night, my wife asked me if i read the article on the website. I said I had and she said..."yeah, he's saying the same thing you are." I nearly died. All my anger and offense...i totally had said practically the same thing (grief, i still have a hard time admitting that). A couple of days now and my focus has shifted from yelling at this leader to my taking offense.
I think I look for an offense. I seem to be constantly on the search out for the way someone might offended me. I think there is some anger in me when i think of the injustices done to black people and how, even today, there is still racism and ideas that keep black people down. I also think, i don't know how to deal with it, or talk about it, or change it, so i think i'm fine until i start finding offenses with things i've said myself.
My mom has been hurt by someone who should of been protecting her. And because of their wrong, she suffered even more in life. Yet, she is not offended by them. I have seen my mother reach out time and time again to love and help and bless them. Somehow, she has not let this offense keep her from loving, even to the very person who hurt her so badly.
Black history month has a lesson for everyone. Everyone has been wronged somehow. Everyone has been hurt but someone who was supposed to protect them and love them. One thing black history month highlights is forgiving and not taking offense. To not ignore or excuse when things are wrong but to not hate others even when they do wrong to you. That is not restricited to a black people. I hope that as February and Black History Month come to a close, you think about the offenses you still hold on to and why forgiveness is a first step to saying "free at last".
Love is so easy to share
Writing every Tuesday is so challenging and I love it. The range of emotions that i have to work through to produce one little post is crazy. I have to actually search my heart and examine what is there and what is worth being presented to family, friends and strangers. I guess i could take this thing a whole lot lighter but where would the fun and growth be in that! I hope you are enjoying it as much as i'm learning from doing it. Urgh, i hope i'm not one of thoes totally self-indulgent artists (HAHHAHA, if you could even call my post ART! HA!) that is doing it for personal and selfish reasons without taking into consideration the audience. I hate that! If you feel i'm even getting close to that, please...tell me. Yell at me. Make me stop! Good...now that i have that off my chest...
My heart...what is going on in my heart? Grief, i thought that would be alot easier to answer than it is. I'm not working full-time. I have oodles (what a great word...hardly used!) of free time to think and ponder on the deep inner chambers of my heart and yet still...this cluesness. It has taken me a good hour to get this far in writing and I haven't even hit the heart yet!
I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to love deeply and without reserve. I want to overcome my fear of hurt and rejection to put my heart out to those around me. And i know what will happen. Some people will reject me. Some people may hurt me. and then some people will be challenged to do that same. OH...i get excited even thinking about that. Have you ever been in a group, not just a relationship, where people are trusting each other with their hearts. I guess that's supposed to be your family but really...how often does that happen?!? But in a community where you love unconditionally and trust others with your dreams and hopes and fears. Where you choose to forgive and move on from offenses and give grace when it isn't deserved.
I had the awesome experience of moving in with my friends last year. My wife and I moved in with another couple...and during our year there, my wife gave birth to our child and the other couple got pregnant. My extended family didn't really understand what we were doing. They thought we were crazy and stupid. I had to do a lot of work to translate their remarks into caring concern. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. It was wonderful. Rocky at times but one of the greatest things my wife and I have done since being married. We were forced to not be so "us" focused and to learn how to let people into our marriage and how to live with less space and comfort. And the other couple were great in their view of material possessions. They believed they had things to bless others. So they opened up their house all the time. They lent out their car, gave away money, had people sleep on the couch all the time. I hope my wife and I can become more and more like that.
There's a great song by india.Arie called timeless. Its says:
My heart...what is going on in my heart? Grief, i thought that would be alot easier to answer than it is. I'm not working full-time. I have oodles (what a great word...hardly used!) of free time to think and ponder on the deep inner chambers of my heart and yet still...this cluesness. It has taken me a good hour to get this far in writing and I haven't even hit the heart yet!
I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to love deeply and without reserve. I want to overcome my fear of hurt and rejection to put my heart out to those around me. And i know what will happen. Some people will reject me. Some people may hurt me. and then some people will be challenged to do that same. OH...i get excited even thinking about that. Have you ever been in a group, not just a relationship, where people are trusting each other with their hearts. I guess that's supposed to be your family but really...how often does that happen?!? But in a community where you love unconditionally and trust others with your dreams and hopes and fears. Where you choose to forgive and move on from offenses and give grace when it isn't deserved.
I had the awesome experience of moving in with my friends last year. My wife and I moved in with another couple...and during our year there, my wife gave birth to our child and the other couple got pregnant. My extended family didn't really understand what we were doing. They thought we were crazy and stupid. I had to do a lot of work to translate their remarks into caring concern. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. It was wonderful. Rocky at times but one of the greatest things my wife and I have done since being married. We were forced to not be so "us" focused and to learn how to let people into our marriage and how to live with less space and comfort. And the other couple were great in their view of material possessions. They believed they had things to bless others. So they opened up their house all the time. They lent out their car, gave away money, had people sleep on the couch all the time. I hope my wife and I can become more and more like that.
There's a great song by india.Arie called timeless. Its says:
The clothes that you're wearing, they will one day be out of style. The car that your driving, it will one day max out in miles. Your hair and your make-up and the time that it takes up. It will take the same time to give someone your love. Kindness is timeless. Love is so easy to share. It just takes a moment to show someone you care.As valentiness Day approaches, I hope and pray that you are able to put your life into perspective and start looking at your heart. Total cheese but Lord knows, our families and communities could use a little more love. Why not have it start with you?
Thoughts on Obama (and us, really)
Barack Obama is President of the United States. The inauguration was on January 20, two weeks ago. Unless you've been living under a rock, you already know this. With a blog name Poor Black Boy, I felt weird that I didn't write on the momentus occasion. I actually feel a little Obamad-out. Now, after some time and American Idol, I think i'm ready to tackle my feelings about it.
My wife currently works in a group home for girls. She is a behavioral counsellor to teenagers who have been abused or neglected and tries to teach them the skills they need to survive in 'normal' society. Many of these girls in this house are black (i could use African American but after their comments about Africans, I rather not). In the burbs, of Seattle, the great northwest, there is still a struggling low-income group of black people. Yet Obama is president.
I'm struggling with the reality I see around me and the excitement about Obama as president. I agree that this is an amazing step for the United States and there should be celebration. But Obama is one person. With a lot of power but still one person. Obama cannot in the next four years erase the damages to the black male pyche nor irradicate prejudice. I believe he is a step in the right direction but let us not give ourselves a badge for having a black president or a president who isn't Bush(shame!, yup, i said it!). I will not rejoice until i see black fathers become the norm or people who say they love diversity have that apparent in their relationships.
I am excited to see another Martin Luther King Jr , but not only as the "rock & roll superstar" or the Popular Trend of the day, but as a leader who is just a voice to a whole generation of people who are willing to sacrifice for ending injustice and prejudice. Thats it! Voting for Obama was and is not a sacrifice for the American People. I have yet to see us put "our money where our mouth is".
So I ask myself and you, what Change are we leading? What hope are we bringing? I pray Obama does all that he can. I pray we do the same as well.
My wife currently works in a group home for girls. She is a behavioral counsellor to teenagers who have been abused or neglected and tries to teach them the skills they need to survive in 'normal' society. Many of these girls in this house are black (i could use African American but after their comments about Africans, I rather not). In the burbs, of Seattle, the great northwest, there is still a struggling low-income group of black people. Yet Obama is president.
I'm struggling with the reality I see around me and the excitement about Obama as president. I agree that this is an amazing step for the United States and there should be celebration. But Obama is one person. With a lot of power but still one person. Obama cannot in the next four years erase the damages to the black male pyche nor irradicate prejudice. I believe he is a step in the right direction but let us not give ourselves a badge for having a black president or a president who isn't Bush(shame!, yup, i said it!). I will not rejoice until i see black fathers become the norm or people who say they love diversity have that apparent in their relationships.
I am excited to see another Martin Luther King Jr , but not only as the "rock & roll superstar" or the Popular Trend of the day, but as a leader who is just a voice to a whole generation of people who are willing to sacrifice for ending injustice and prejudice. Thats it! Voting for Obama was and is not a sacrifice for the American People. I have yet to see us put "our money where our mouth is".
So I ask myself and you, what Change are we leading? What hope are we bringing? I pray Obama does all that he can. I pray we do the same as well.
A Constant Excerise in Honesty (otherwise called Marriage)
Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. - Joseph Barth
I've been wanting to write about my wife for a while now. I feel it is a bit unfair because for it to be as honest and open as i can, i may put out more about her than she would care to have displayed. Like yesterdays post. We spoke about it. I apologized. I'm still a bit unsure why i felt it so necessary to put that out there. Lets hope it all comes together.
I've been wanting to be with my wife for a very long time. We meet in grade four and by grade 5 i liked her. She was bold and strong willed and funny and beautiful. She was able to treat me as equal but still be way more intelligent then me. I was in love.
One would think that a friendship as long as ours (i think its around 14 years... more actually) we would know everything about each other. And we almost do. Its not about knowing each other...its about how much we are going to let ourselves be known by each other. How honest are we going to be with our faults and struggles and problems. And its not that she doesn't know about the faults i have, its can i come to her and admit them myself. Can i trust that she would love me at my worst and then can i accept that love.
Recently i had to own up to a part of our life that i felt i was messing up in. I felt that i was responsible for something and that i blew it badly. I spent weeks totally stressed about having to open up to her and admit that i was wrong. That i wasn't good enough and that i failed. It was horrible.
I think i talked about my sex abilities cause sex is something so personal and vulnerable and honest. its a physical action that should match the honesty i should have with my wife. And i can admit that its tough for me. But there is no one else in the world i would want to be more honest with. And even though I'm not very good at it right now, my wife still loves me, still encourages me.
that's it. I pray that if you are married you've been encouraged to keep being honest and vulnerable with you spouse. and if you aren't married, to make sure you are being as honest as you can with those around you. Especially if you are dating...if you can't have these conversations with your boyfriend/girlfriend, then you need to consider what your relationship is built on.
well, I hope i haven't embarrassed my wife too much! : ) This is hard work, this writing each week. Sorry its so run on. I will get better at this! : )
I've been wanting to write about my wife for a while now. I feel it is a bit unfair because for it to be as honest and open as i can, i may put out more about her than she would care to have displayed. Like yesterdays post. We spoke about it. I apologized. I'm still a bit unsure why i felt it so necessary to put that out there. Lets hope it all comes together.
I've been wanting to be with my wife for a very long time. We meet in grade four and by grade 5 i liked her. She was bold and strong willed and funny and beautiful. She was able to treat me as equal but still be way more intelligent then me. I was in love.
One would think that a friendship as long as ours (i think its around 14 years... more actually) we would know everything about each other. And we almost do. Its not about knowing each other...its about how much we are going to let ourselves be known by each other. How honest are we going to be with our faults and struggles and problems. And its not that she doesn't know about the faults i have, its can i come to her and admit them myself. Can i trust that she would love me at my worst and then can i accept that love.
Recently i had to own up to a part of our life that i felt i was messing up in. I felt that i was responsible for something and that i blew it badly. I spent weeks totally stressed about having to open up to her and admit that i was wrong. That i wasn't good enough and that i failed. It was horrible.
I think i talked about my sex abilities cause sex is something so personal and vulnerable and honest. its a physical action that should match the honesty i should have with my wife. And i can admit that its tough for me. But there is no one else in the world i would want to be more honest with. And even though I'm not very good at it right now, my wife still loves me, still encourages me.
that's it. I pray that if you are married you've been encouraged to keep being honest and vulnerable with you spouse. and if you aren't married, to make sure you are being as honest as you can with those around you. Especially if you are dating...if you can't have these conversations with your boyfriend/girlfriend, then you need to consider what your relationship is built on.
well, I hope i haven't embarrassed my wife too much! : ) This is hard work, this writing each week. Sorry its so run on. I will get better at this! : )
the workings of sometime great...or just oversharing.
So, this was originally going to be the third paragraph but i'm breaking out of that! I would like to tell you something. I know I'm not a good lover. I SAID IT! I just broke a guy rule for sure! But i'll say it. Darn those stupid romance movies...i can't create the Notebook or Shakespare in Love. I would like to be able to be an adult who isn't like a teenager in the sack. (OH GOSH...I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WRITING THIS!?!) My mom and i used to laugh at a line from the old pink panther movies: Your father made love like he played the violin...not very well, but passionately. This is me.
So, there are two things in that opening that need to be discussed. One, my lack of finesse in the bedroom and Two, my issues with approaching 30. And it is currently 11:42pm and my wife is already heading to bed. Darn it, i shouldn't of started editing.
I have decided that i will got to bed and discuss issue two tomorrow. sorry to leave you haning..the i doubt you really wanted this conversation to continue. I know my sister is right now throwing up somewhere...and a couple of other people (sorry mo).
We will talk about sex here though...believe you me. (what does that saying even mean, and why do i say that?) I think i will just need some time. I really do want to be honest on this thing but still have a reason for writing...not just verbal exhibitionism.
until tomorrow
So, there are two things in that opening that need to be discussed. One, my lack of finesse in the bedroom and Two, my issues with approaching 30. And it is currently 11:42pm and my wife is already heading to bed. Darn it, i shouldn't of started editing.
I have decided that i will got to bed and discuss issue two tomorrow. sorry to leave you haning..the i doubt you really wanted this conversation to continue. I know my sister is right now throwing up somewhere...and a couple of other people (sorry mo).
We will talk about sex here though...believe you me. (what does that saying even mean, and why do i say that?) I think i will just need some time. I really do want to be honest on this thing but still have a reason for writing...not just verbal exhibitionism.
until tomorrow
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - Harry S. Truman
I am not getting a dog. Yes, dogs can be wonderful companions to people but who wants a friend that poops on your lawn or on your carpet. If i were so desperate...i would just call my mom more often (you see...there was this one time, too much laughing...plastic chairs...unfortunate really)
Washington is apparently a hard place to make friends. My father-in-law says it also. I wonder if he said it to my this week from personal experience or to try and make me feel like not a complete failure for not making a friend in 3 months. But I think making friends in your 20's is hard no matter where you are. Do you remember when you were a teenager, and people (who seemed older and wiser) would say its wonderful when you are older cause you know your likes and dislikes. Yeah, that's great and all (i have no clue how its great yet) but it really limits the people you're willing to become friends with. I've had some really great friends and now i have this horrible standard that no one can live up to.
Argh, almost every time that I try to write here, its about midway through, when I've exhausted all my witty-ness, that i feel that i should maybe stop and be honest. So honestly,I've given up any real standard and I've now gotten to the point when I'm going up to people and telling them: "be friends with me, I'm desperate, I'll buy your friendship with candy (don't laugh, it really worked in college)". My new best friend is my 1 year old son, which is great in some ways but really, he poops in his pants...one step up from a dog.
I go to this young adult church service and attempt to do small talk conversation with hopes that something will come out of it. But if you know me, i have this horrible way of making awkward situations even more awkward. So, I'm pretty much just biting my tongue now, holding myself back from asking/telling people: "are you just not into me? Should i try to speak to you again or would that be a waste of time for you and me? No hard feelings, lets just put the cards on the table."
The problem is time. I don't like the time this takes. The whole seeing someone multiple times in different situations and then maybe a crisis or a joint project that eventually makes the other person realize "wait, you aren't just a stalker, you might be a really great friend". HAHAHA...Lord, if I'm gonna be totally honest (aw..this is low...I'm not a good person) I heard someone whom i want to be friends with talk about their best friend yesterday and i honestly have been planning that persons death in my mind. (ugh...that's HORRIBLE!)
Well, this is where the moral of the story usually fits but i don't have a really good one yet. Let's hope I stop acting like a crazy person and start making some friends soon. And what I said about my mom...sorry mom. I know it was just an accident! LOL
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." ~ Winnie the Pooh
Washington is apparently a hard place to make friends. My father-in-law says it also. I wonder if he said it to my this week from personal experience or to try and make me feel like not a complete failure for not making a friend in 3 months. But I think making friends in your 20's is hard no matter where you are. Do you remember when you were a teenager, and people (who seemed older and wiser) would say its wonderful when you are older cause you know your likes and dislikes. Yeah, that's great and all (i have no clue how its great yet) but it really limits the people you're willing to become friends with. I've had some really great friends and now i have this horrible standard that no one can live up to.
Argh, almost every time that I try to write here, its about midway through, when I've exhausted all my witty-ness, that i feel that i should maybe stop and be honest. So honestly,I've given up any real standard and I've now gotten to the point when I'm going up to people and telling them: "be friends with me, I'm desperate, I'll buy your friendship with candy (don't laugh, it really worked in college)". My new best friend is my 1 year old son, which is great in some ways but really, he poops in his pants...one step up from a dog.
I go to this young adult church service and attempt to do small talk conversation with hopes that something will come out of it. But if you know me, i have this horrible way of making awkward situations even more awkward. So, I'm pretty much just biting my tongue now, holding myself back from asking/telling people: "are you just not into me? Should i try to speak to you again or would that be a waste of time for you and me? No hard feelings, lets just put the cards on the table."
The problem is time. I don't like the time this takes. The whole seeing someone multiple times in different situations and then maybe a crisis or a joint project that eventually makes the other person realize "wait, you aren't just a stalker, you might be a really great friend". HAHAHA...Lord, if I'm gonna be totally honest (aw..this is low...I'm not a good person) I heard someone whom i want to be friends with talk about their best friend yesterday and i honestly have been planning that persons death in my mind. (ugh...that's HORRIBLE!)
Well, this is where the moral of the story usually fits but i don't have a really good one yet. Let's hope I stop acting like a crazy person and start making some friends soon. And what I said about my mom...sorry mom. I know it was just an accident! LOL
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." ~ Winnie the Pooh
The First Tuesday of Many
I have decided to write every Tuesday. At first i was just telling a select few so that when i failed, it wouldn't be so bad. But now I've just told everyone who reads (thanks to the five of you readers!) and I am going to try and be a man of my word. Grief...even the phrase makes me shudder.
I have developed this wonderful skill of preparing myself to fail. I don't really know when this started but by college, i was excellent at it. I would never make definite promises, i would leave room for me not to show up or call cause I knew there was a 60 percent chance i would disappoint someone. This was much easier to see and diagnose than the issue of disappointing myself. So, when i make plans for "when" i fail, instead of "if" i fail, i get a hint of what is going on in my head.
I want the world. That might be pretty big but its very close. As my wife can testify too, I dream like its my full time job. The top dreams of a very long list include: being in Cirque Du Soleil, performing on Broadway, running a group home, buying my grandmothers old house and making it a intern house for an amazing youth ministry, singing professionally, surfing, and starting my own magazine. These are not in order. (for extra points, put them in order and you'll win a prize!)
What I've been noticing, in me, and those around me, is the gap between our dreams and our realities are becoming larger and deeper and seemingly impossible to cross. Besides looking at the hard facts of our financial situations, our schooling (argh, I'm gonna cry), our work experience, our location, or bodies flexibility (which is why the Cirque won't want me) there is our own self defeating mechanism that tells us to always prepare to fail and thus, don't try your hardest.
I pray you aren't like me. I pray that you are jumping into your dreams with all you have and even though sometimes its hard and painfully and without pay, you are feeling the rush of life blowing across your face.
Like I told someone I love, our dreams aren't impossible. No matter the situation, your dreams aren't impossible. Maybe somethings need to change about your life. Maybe you need to change the way you think about yourself.
I feel like God is really pushing me to believe Him for BIG things. To not give up on the dreams I have, silly ones and noble ones. I will have to work on my thinking and maybe get some training but He is able to make impossible things happen. He is able to make impossible things happen for you too.
So, I'm saying it out loud...Every Tuesday I will write. In time I will start a really great magazine. I will surf one day. I will own my grandmothers house. Cirque du soleil...maybe that one is for my children, or grandchildren..or great grandchildren. Yeah...I'm gonna need some time to say "i will" on that one!
I have developed this wonderful skill of preparing myself to fail. I don't really know when this started but by college, i was excellent at it. I would never make definite promises, i would leave room for me not to show up or call cause I knew there was a 60 percent chance i would disappoint someone. This was much easier to see and diagnose than the issue of disappointing myself. So, when i make plans for "when" i fail, instead of "if" i fail, i get a hint of what is going on in my head.
I want the world. That might be pretty big but its very close. As my wife can testify too, I dream like its my full time job. The top dreams of a very long list include: being in Cirque Du Soleil, performing on Broadway, running a group home, buying my grandmothers old house and making it a intern house for an amazing youth ministry, singing professionally, surfing, and starting my own magazine. These are not in order. (for extra points, put them in order and you'll win a prize!)
What I've been noticing, in me, and those around me, is the gap between our dreams and our realities are becoming larger and deeper and seemingly impossible to cross. Besides looking at the hard facts of our financial situations, our schooling (argh, I'm gonna cry), our work experience, our location, or bodies flexibility (which is why the Cirque won't want me) there is our own self defeating mechanism that tells us to always prepare to fail and thus, don't try your hardest.
I pray you aren't like me. I pray that you are jumping into your dreams with all you have and even though sometimes its hard and painfully and without pay, you are feeling the rush of life blowing across your face.
Like I told someone I love, our dreams aren't impossible. No matter the situation, your dreams aren't impossible. Maybe somethings need to change about your life. Maybe you need to change the way you think about yourself.
I feel like God is really pushing me to believe Him for BIG things. To not give up on the dreams I have, silly ones and noble ones. I will have to work on my thinking and maybe get some training but He is able to make impossible things happen. He is able to make impossible things happen for you too.
So, I'm saying it out loud...Every Tuesday I will write. In time I will start a really great magazine. I will surf one day. I will own my grandmothers house. Cirque du soleil...maybe that one is for my children, or grandchildren..or great grandchildren. Yeah...I'm gonna need some time to say "i will" on that one!
Crap and Vomit
Last night, i had the pleasure of unclogging my toilet bowl. It was quite the scene, down on my knees, baby in one hand, plunger in the other, water everywhere. My son is quite curious and had to watch his dad try to fix the toilet. This is not an uncommon experience. Actually, in the past 3 weeks, I've unclogged my toilet about 6 times. I don't know about you, but that's a pretty big number for me. Maybe it was all the food from Christmas, maybe it was the amount of Christmas guests, maybe its my new plan to gain weight (don't poo), or the Mexican food, or maybe just a combination of it all...
I want to rewind to approximately a month ago. My son was feeling a little sick and had a slight fever. I gave him some baby Tylenol and a bottle and put him to bed. An hour later, he woke up screaming. I checked on him and it appeared that he had thrown up. He looked sad and confused and so i took him in my arms and was trying to calm him down when two seconds later, he threw up again, but this time into my mouth. Now here i was, son in hand, vomit on both of us and chunks in my mouth. I laughed. He laughed too (apparently that was all he needed to do to feel better).
Whats the point of me telling you all this? Why the focus on poo and vomit? People, I've been in some disgusting stuff lately. And if you are human, I'm sure you are either in or have been in some disgusting stuff. Maybe its relationship troubles, or crazy debt or trying to figure out your career and realize you have none. Life sometimes has some poo and vomit.
On the new CD, The Sound by Mary Mary, there is a song called 'Dirt' and its about how we need a little dirt to grow. At first I thought it was kinda stupid and childish but I think i need to change the word to 'shit' (i normal don't use that word but it fits). Poo doesn't hurt (unless you got some real toilet issues) but its gross and yucky and it smells bad. No one wants to deal with poo but we have all do it. No one wants to deal with their bad attitudes or spending habits or their fear of intimacy cause it stinks and its gross. But we've all got it.
Amen God loves me and can use the "dirt" in my life. He loves me no matter what and is helping me to work through the dirt in my life. He knows i will be happier with it cleared away. He understands that it may take some time. But He wants me to look at it and deal with it. He is apparently not afraid of dirt or crap or poo or shit. He wants to deal with it.
So as 2009 begins, I'm trying to keep my toilet unclogged and keep my eyes open to see what crap needs to be cleaned out in my life. I wonder if God has a really big plunger...considering the crap He's trying to take out of my life! Ha!
I want to rewind to approximately a month ago. My son was feeling a little sick and had a slight fever. I gave him some baby Tylenol and a bottle and put him to bed. An hour later, he woke up screaming. I checked on him and it appeared that he had thrown up. He looked sad and confused and so i took him in my arms and was trying to calm him down when two seconds later, he threw up again, but this time into my mouth. Now here i was, son in hand, vomit on both of us and chunks in my mouth. I laughed. He laughed too (apparently that was all he needed to do to feel better).
Whats the point of me telling you all this? Why the focus on poo and vomit? People, I've been in some disgusting stuff lately. And if you are human, I'm sure you are either in or have been in some disgusting stuff. Maybe its relationship troubles, or crazy debt or trying to figure out your career and realize you have none. Life sometimes has some poo and vomit.
On the new CD, The Sound by Mary Mary, there is a song called 'Dirt' and its about how we need a little dirt to grow. At first I thought it was kinda stupid and childish but I think i need to change the word to 'shit' (i normal don't use that word but it fits). Poo doesn't hurt (unless you got some real toilet issues) but its gross and yucky and it smells bad. No one wants to deal with poo but we have all do it. No one wants to deal with their bad attitudes or spending habits or their fear of intimacy cause it stinks and its gross. But we've all got it.
Amen God loves me and can use the "dirt" in my life. He loves me no matter what and is helping me to work through the dirt in my life. He knows i will be happier with it cleared away. He understands that it may take some time. But He wants me to look at it and deal with it. He is apparently not afraid of dirt or crap or poo or shit. He wants to deal with it.
So as 2009 begins, I'm trying to keep my toilet unclogged and keep my eyes open to see what crap needs to be cleaned out in my life. I wonder if God has a really big plunger...considering the crap He's trying to take out of my life! Ha!
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