Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. - Joseph Barth
I've been wanting to write about my wife for a while now. I feel it is a bit unfair because for it to be as honest and open as i can, i may put out more about her than she would care to have displayed. Like yesterdays post. We spoke about it. I apologized. I'm still a bit unsure why i felt it so necessary to put that out there. Lets hope it all comes together.
I've been wanting to be with my wife for a very long time. We meet in grade four and by grade 5 i liked her. She was bold and strong willed and funny and beautiful. She was able to treat me as equal but still be way more intelligent then me. I was in love.
One would think that a friendship as long as ours (i think its around 14 years... more actually) we would know everything about each other. And we almost do. Its not about knowing each other...its about how much we are going to let ourselves be known by each other. How honest are we going to be with our faults and struggles and problems. And its not that she doesn't know about the faults i have, its can i come to her and admit them myself. Can i trust that she would love me at my worst and then can i accept that love.
Recently i had to own up to a part of our life that i felt i was messing up in. I felt that i was responsible for something and that i blew it badly. I spent weeks totally stressed about having to open up to her and admit that i was wrong. That i wasn't good enough and that i failed. It was horrible.
I think i talked about my sex abilities cause sex is something so personal and vulnerable and honest. its a physical action that should match the honesty i should have with my wife. And i can admit that its tough for me. But there is no one else in the world i would want to be more honest with. And even though I'm not very good at it right now, my wife still loves me, still encourages me.
that's it. I pray that if you are married you've been encouraged to keep being honest and vulnerable with you spouse. and if you aren't married, to make sure you are being as honest as you can with those around you. Especially if you are dating...if you can't have these conversations with your boyfriend/girlfriend, then you need to consider what your relationship is built on.
well, I hope i haven't embarrassed my wife too much! : ) This is hard work, this writing each week. Sorry its so run on. I will get better at this! : )
the workings of sometime great...or just oversharing.
So, this was originally going to be the third paragraph but i'm breaking out of that! I would like to tell you something. I know I'm not a good lover. I SAID IT! I just broke a guy rule for sure! But i'll say it. Darn those stupid romance movies...i can't create the Notebook or Shakespare in Love. I would like to be able to be an adult who isn't like a teenager in the sack. (OH GOSH...I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WRITING THIS!?!) My mom and i used to laugh at a line from the old pink panther movies: Your father made love like he played the violin...not very well, but passionately. This is me.
So, there are two things in that opening that need to be discussed. One, my lack of finesse in the bedroom and Two, my issues with approaching 30. And it is currently 11:42pm and my wife is already heading to bed. Darn it, i shouldn't of started editing.
I have decided that i will got to bed and discuss issue two tomorrow. sorry to leave you haning..the i doubt you really wanted this conversation to continue. I know my sister is right now throwing up somewhere...and a couple of other people (sorry mo).
We will talk about sex here though...believe you me. (what does that saying even mean, and why do i say that?) I think i will just need some time. I really do want to be honest on this thing but still have a reason for writing...not just verbal exhibitionism.
until tomorrow
So, there are two things in that opening that need to be discussed. One, my lack of finesse in the bedroom and Two, my issues with approaching 30. And it is currently 11:42pm and my wife is already heading to bed. Darn it, i shouldn't of started editing.
I have decided that i will got to bed and discuss issue two tomorrow. sorry to leave you haning..the i doubt you really wanted this conversation to continue. I know my sister is right now throwing up somewhere...and a couple of other people (sorry mo).
We will talk about sex here though...believe you me. (what does that saying even mean, and why do i say that?) I think i will just need some time. I really do want to be honest on this thing but still have a reason for writing...not just verbal exhibitionism.
until tomorrow
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - Harry S. Truman
I am not getting a dog. Yes, dogs can be wonderful companions to people but who wants a friend that poops on your lawn or on your carpet. If i were so desperate...i would just call my mom more often (you see...there was this one time, too much laughing...plastic chairs...unfortunate really)
Washington is apparently a hard place to make friends. My father-in-law says it also. I wonder if he said it to my this week from personal experience or to try and make me feel like not a complete failure for not making a friend in 3 months. But I think making friends in your 20's is hard no matter where you are. Do you remember when you were a teenager, and people (who seemed older and wiser) would say its wonderful when you are older cause you know your likes and dislikes. Yeah, that's great and all (i have no clue how its great yet) but it really limits the people you're willing to become friends with. I've had some really great friends and now i have this horrible standard that no one can live up to.
Argh, almost every time that I try to write here, its about midway through, when I've exhausted all my witty-ness, that i feel that i should maybe stop and be honest. So honestly,I've given up any real standard and I've now gotten to the point when I'm going up to people and telling them: "be friends with me, I'm desperate, I'll buy your friendship with candy (don't laugh, it really worked in college)". My new best friend is my 1 year old son, which is great in some ways but really, he poops in his pants...one step up from a dog.
I go to this young adult church service and attempt to do small talk conversation with hopes that something will come out of it. But if you know me, i have this horrible way of making awkward situations even more awkward. So, I'm pretty much just biting my tongue now, holding myself back from asking/telling people: "are you just not into me? Should i try to speak to you again or would that be a waste of time for you and me? No hard feelings, lets just put the cards on the table."
The problem is time. I don't like the time this takes. The whole seeing someone multiple times in different situations and then maybe a crisis or a joint project that eventually makes the other person realize "wait, you aren't just a stalker, you might be a really great friend". HAHAHA...Lord, if I'm gonna be totally honest (aw..this is low...I'm not a good person) I heard someone whom i want to be friends with talk about their best friend yesterday and i honestly have been planning that persons death in my mind. (ugh...that's HORRIBLE!)
Well, this is where the moral of the story usually fits but i don't have a really good one yet. Let's hope I stop acting like a crazy person and start making some friends soon. And what I said about my mom...sorry mom. I know it was just an accident! LOL
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." ~ Winnie the Pooh
Washington is apparently a hard place to make friends. My father-in-law says it also. I wonder if he said it to my this week from personal experience or to try and make me feel like not a complete failure for not making a friend in 3 months. But I think making friends in your 20's is hard no matter where you are. Do you remember when you were a teenager, and people (who seemed older and wiser) would say its wonderful when you are older cause you know your likes and dislikes. Yeah, that's great and all (i have no clue how its great yet) but it really limits the people you're willing to become friends with. I've had some really great friends and now i have this horrible standard that no one can live up to.
Argh, almost every time that I try to write here, its about midway through, when I've exhausted all my witty-ness, that i feel that i should maybe stop and be honest. So honestly,I've given up any real standard and I've now gotten to the point when I'm going up to people and telling them: "be friends with me, I'm desperate, I'll buy your friendship with candy (don't laugh, it really worked in college)". My new best friend is my 1 year old son, which is great in some ways but really, he poops in his pants...one step up from a dog.
I go to this young adult church service and attempt to do small talk conversation with hopes that something will come out of it. But if you know me, i have this horrible way of making awkward situations even more awkward. So, I'm pretty much just biting my tongue now, holding myself back from asking/telling people: "are you just not into me? Should i try to speak to you again or would that be a waste of time for you and me? No hard feelings, lets just put the cards on the table."
The problem is time. I don't like the time this takes. The whole seeing someone multiple times in different situations and then maybe a crisis or a joint project that eventually makes the other person realize "wait, you aren't just a stalker, you might be a really great friend". HAHAHA...Lord, if I'm gonna be totally honest (aw..this is low...I'm not a good person) I heard someone whom i want to be friends with talk about their best friend yesterday and i honestly have been planning that persons death in my mind. (ugh...that's HORRIBLE!)
Well, this is where the moral of the story usually fits but i don't have a really good one yet. Let's hope I stop acting like a crazy person and start making some friends soon. And what I said about my mom...sorry mom. I know it was just an accident! LOL
"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." ~ Winnie the Pooh
The First Tuesday of Many
I have decided to write every Tuesday. At first i was just telling a select few so that when i failed, it wouldn't be so bad. But now I've just told everyone who reads (thanks to the five of you readers!) and I am going to try and be a man of my word. Grief...even the phrase makes me shudder.
I have developed this wonderful skill of preparing myself to fail. I don't really know when this started but by college, i was excellent at it. I would never make definite promises, i would leave room for me not to show up or call cause I knew there was a 60 percent chance i would disappoint someone. This was much easier to see and diagnose than the issue of disappointing myself. So, when i make plans for "when" i fail, instead of "if" i fail, i get a hint of what is going on in my head.
I want the world. That might be pretty big but its very close. As my wife can testify too, I dream like its my full time job. The top dreams of a very long list include: being in Cirque Du Soleil, performing on Broadway, running a group home, buying my grandmothers old house and making it a intern house for an amazing youth ministry, singing professionally, surfing, and starting my own magazine. These are not in order. (for extra points, put them in order and you'll win a prize!)
What I've been noticing, in me, and those around me, is the gap between our dreams and our realities are becoming larger and deeper and seemingly impossible to cross. Besides looking at the hard facts of our financial situations, our schooling (argh, I'm gonna cry), our work experience, our location, or bodies flexibility (which is why the Cirque won't want me) there is our own self defeating mechanism that tells us to always prepare to fail and thus, don't try your hardest.
I pray you aren't like me. I pray that you are jumping into your dreams with all you have and even though sometimes its hard and painfully and without pay, you are feeling the rush of life blowing across your face.
Like I told someone I love, our dreams aren't impossible. No matter the situation, your dreams aren't impossible. Maybe somethings need to change about your life. Maybe you need to change the way you think about yourself.
I feel like God is really pushing me to believe Him for BIG things. To not give up on the dreams I have, silly ones and noble ones. I will have to work on my thinking and maybe get some training but He is able to make impossible things happen. He is able to make impossible things happen for you too.
So, I'm saying it out loud...Every Tuesday I will write. In time I will start a really great magazine. I will surf one day. I will own my grandmothers house. Cirque du soleil...maybe that one is for my children, or grandchildren..or great grandchildren. Yeah...I'm gonna need some time to say "i will" on that one!
I have developed this wonderful skill of preparing myself to fail. I don't really know when this started but by college, i was excellent at it. I would never make definite promises, i would leave room for me not to show up or call cause I knew there was a 60 percent chance i would disappoint someone. This was much easier to see and diagnose than the issue of disappointing myself. So, when i make plans for "when" i fail, instead of "if" i fail, i get a hint of what is going on in my head.
I want the world. That might be pretty big but its very close. As my wife can testify too, I dream like its my full time job. The top dreams of a very long list include: being in Cirque Du Soleil, performing on Broadway, running a group home, buying my grandmothers old house and making it a intern house for an amazing youth ministry, singing professionally, surfing, and starting my own magazine. These are not in order. (for extra points, put them in order and you'll win a prize!)
What I've been noticing, in me, and those around me, is the gap between our dreams and our realities are becoming larger and deeper and seemingly impossible to cross. Besides looking at the hard facts of our financial situations, our schooling (argh, I'm gonna cry), our work experience, our location, or bodies flexibility (which is why the Cirque won't want me) there is our own self defeating mechanism that tells us to always prepare to fail and thus, don't try your hardest.
I pray you aren't like me. I pray that you are jumping into your dreams with all you have and even though sometimes its hard and painfully and without pay, you are feeling the rush of life blowing across your face.
Like I told someone I love, our dreams aren't impossible. No matter the situation, your dreams aren't impossible. Maybe somethings need to change about your life. Maybe you need to change the way you think about yourself.
I feel like God is really pushing me to believe Him for BIG things. To not give up on the dreams I have, silly ones and noble ones. I will have to work on my thinking and maybe get some training but He is able to make impossible things happen. He is able to make impossible things happen for you too.
So, I'm saying it out loud...Every Tuesday I will write. In time I will start a really great magazine. I will surf one day. I will own my grandmothers house. Cirque du soleil...maybe that one is for my children, or grandchildren..or great grandchildren. Yeah...I'm gonna need some time to say "i will" on that one!
Crap and Vomit
Last night, i had the pleasure of unclogging my toilet bowl. It was quite the scene, down on my knees, baby in one hand, plunger in the other, water everywhere. My son is quite curious and had to watch his dad try to fix the toilet. This is not an uncommon experience. Actually, in the past 3 weeks, I've unclogged my toilet about 6 times. I don't know about you, but that's a pretty big number for me. Maybe it was all the food from Christmas, maybe it was the amount of Christmas guests, maybe its my new plan to gain weight (don't poo), or the Mexican food, or maybe just a combination of it all...
I want to rewind to approximately a month ago. My son was feeling a little sick and had a slight fever. I gave him some baby Tylenol and a bottle and put him to bed. An hour later, he woke up screaming. I checked on him and it appeared that he had thrown up. He looked sad and confused and so i took him in my arms and was trying to calm him down when two seconds later, he threw up again, but this time into my mouth. Now here i was, son in hand, vomit on both of us and chunks in my mouth. I laughed. He laughed too (apparently that was all he needed to do to feel better).
Whats the point of me telling you all this? Why the focus on poo and vomit? People, I've been in some disgusting stuff lately. And if you are human, I'm sure you are either in or have been in some disgusting stuff. Maybe its relationship troubles, or crazy debt or trying to figure out your career and realize you have none. Life sometimes has some poo and vomit.
On the new CD, The Sound by Mary Mary, there is a song called 'Dirt' and its about how we need a little dirt to grow. At first I thought it was kinda stupid and childish but I think i need to change the word to 'shit' (i normal don't use that word but it fits). Poo doesn't hurt (unless you got some real toilet issues) but its gross and yucky and it smells bad. No one wants to deal with poo but we have all do it. No one wants to deal with their bad attitudes or spending habits or their fear of intimacy cause it stinks and its gross. But we've all got it.
Amen God loves me and can use the "dirt" in my life. He loves me no matter what and is helping me to work through the dirt in my life. He knows i will be happier with it cleared away. He understands that it may take some time. But He wants me to look at it and deal with it. He is apparently not afraid of dirt or crap or poo or shit. He wants to deal with it.
So as 2009 begins, I'm trying to keep my toilet unclogged and keep my eyes open to see what crap needs to be cleaned out in my life. I wonder if God has a really big plunger...considering the crap He's trying to take out of my life! Ha!
I want to rewind to approximately a month ago. My son was feeling a little sick and had a slight fever. I gave him some baby Tylenol and a bottle and put him to bed. An hour later, he woke up screaming. I checked on him and it appeared that he had thrown up. He looked sad and confused and so i took him in my arms and was trying to calm him down when two seconds later, he threw up again, but this time into my mouth. Now here i was, son in hand, vomit on both of us and chunks in my mouth. I laughed. He laughed too (apparently that was all he needed to do to feel better).
Whats the point of me telling you all this? Why the focus on poo and vomit? People, I've been in some disgusting stuff lately. And if you are human, I'm sure you are either in or have been in some disgusting stuff. Maybe its relationship troubles, or crazy debt or trying to figure out your career and realize you have none. Life sometimes has some poo and vomit.
On the new CD, The Sound by Mary Mary, there is a song called 'Dirt' and its about how we need a little dirt to grow. At first I thought it was kinda stupid and childish but I think i need to change the word to 'shit' (i normal don't use that word but it fits). Poo doesn't hurt (unless you got some real toilet issues) but its gross and yucky and it smells bad. No one wants to deal with poo but we have all do it. No one wants to deal with their bad attitudes or spending habits or their fear of intimacy cause it stinks and its gross. But we've all got it.
Amen God loves me and can use the "dirt" in my life. He loves me no matter what and is helping me to work through the dirt in my life. He knows i will be happier with it cleared away. He understands that it may take some time. But He wants me to look at it and deal with it. He is apparently not afraid of dirt or crap or poo or shit. He wants to deal with it.
So as 2009 begins, I'm trying to keep my toilet unclogged and keep my eyes open to see what crap needs to be cleaned out in my life. I wonder if God has a really big plunger...considering the crap He's trying to take out of my life! Ha!
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