Its a couple of days left to Christmas. One of the craziest days of the year. I know I go a little loopy around this time of year. Maybe its the excessive carol singing. Or the obsession of baking like Martha Stewart. Whatever the reasons, I have often been disappointed during the Christmas season. And somewhere along the years, i realized it was more fun to blame random people for this woe...and telling them, very clearly, that they have ruined my Christmas. I think i told my sister this 40 times last Christmas...and i meant ever one.
This Christmas I find myself in an unfamiliar city, with lovely but different family members and without friends to harass and annoy. I also find myself without a job and constantly concerned about my often joyful, sometimes picky, 11 month old child. This is truly a new season and a new day. I have never had a Christmas like this before. And if there is one thing i'm not really good at, its adjusting. For all my silliness and what often appears as true randomness, I cling to routine like saran warp..and not the crappy dollar store kind either...the three dollar name brand stuff. I was feeling a bit lost before. Now i'm feeling sorta sad, sorta homesick, sorta alone.
Bless the Lord Christmas isn't all about my feelings. Could you imagine, i mean, my feelings are so out of wack sometimes you would think i do drugs, which i don't. Christmas is more than my feelings. Its more than your feelings too. Which change. Drastically if you're my sister (or me, apprently we are more alike then i like to admit). Christmas is more than my feelings. Its about Jesus (GASP, JESUS!) and how the God of all things, Holy and Wonderful came to us. Appeared on earth in a human body to change humankind forever. Amen.
I pray that this Christmas, Jesus meets you where you are, be it sad, lonely, happy, broke, etc. and moves you beyond your feelings to acknowledge what He's done for you and how you can respond. Lord, how do i need to respond? I guess i could start with getting my focus out of my own belly button and start singing along with my Mariah Carey Christmas CD. Maybe Christmas won't be ruined this year...or in the least, it won't be my sister's fault.
The Need To Be Perfect
If you know me, which you most likely do if you are reading this, you know i am not perfect. Its common knowledge. Agreed upon and understood. And yet i seem to be in the very familiar territory of trying to be perfect or keeping up an image of being perfect. And i think it might be driving me crazy.
Perfect, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is being without fault or defect. Fault or defect. So this should be clear and not confusing and not creating anguish in my life. No human being on the planet is perfect. It's impossible.
I want to say something deep and profound about society here. I think this is supposed to be that paragraph but i don't have anything to say (this has been happening a lot...is it possible to become mute slowly?). I'm feeling so far from perfect, so dented and used and like garbage that i feel ashamed to let people see me. I feel like to be good, i need to have anything in order, i can't admit mistakes and failures and bad attitudes. I mean, i can talk about past errors and the corrections I've made but to really be honest (i HATE honesty) is seeming like a huge monster over my head that will swallow me if i start to share. What on earth happened to me?
I want to blame other people. I want to blame my circumstances. I often blame God. (good thing He is so wonderful and doesn't hit me with lightning when i deserve it :P ) I think the truth is, it's in me and it has been in me for a while. Oh Lord, am i ready for this much honesty? I want to be good and right and rich and white and smart and funny and confident and macho and proud and witty and flexible (darn those olympic athletes.) I've had me for what, 27 years and i'm still not comfortable with me, my legs (their too skinny), my brain (its works too slow), my ethnicity (too much to even go into! LORD)
To my mom, don't worry, I'M FINE! ; ) It's always good to have to face yourself and really deal with who you are and what your made of. I'll be okay. (now, if only that didn't sound like i was trying to convince myself)
Perfect, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is being without fault or defect. Fault or defect. So this should be clear and not confusing and not creating anguish in my life. No human being on the planet is perfect. It's impossible.
I want to say something deep and profound about society here. I think this is supposed to be that paragraph but i don't have anything to say (this has been happening a lot...is it possible to become mute slowly?). I'm feeling so far from perfect, so dented and used and like garbage that i feel ashamed to let people see me. I feel like to be good, i need to have anything in order, i can't admit mistakes and failures and bad attitudes. I mean, i can talk about past errors and the corrections I've made but to really be honest (i HATE honesty) is seeming like a huge monster over my head that will swallow me if i start to share. What on earth happened to me?
I want to blame other people. I want to blame my circumstances. I often blame God. (good thing He is so wonderful and doesn't hit me with lightning when i deserve it :P ) I think the truth is, it's in me and it has been in me for a while. Oh Lord, am i ready for this much honesty? I want to be good and right and rich and white and smart and funny and confident and macho and proud and witty and flexible (darn those olympic athletes.) I've had me for what, 27 years and i'm still not comfortable with me, my legs (their too skinny), my brain (its works too slow), my ethnicity (too much to even go into! LORD)
To my mom, don't worry, I'M FINE! ; ) It's always good to have to face yourself and really deal with who you are and what your made of. I'll be okay. (now, if only that didn't sound like i was trying to convince myself)
Life in America: week one
I haven't been very good at writing here but now that i'm gonna be a stay at home dad (OH YEAH!) I'm hoping i'll be more disciplined. Really, i'm super blessed by my sisters ability to be gut-wrenching honest in her blog (inside voice, check it out) and i think it must be catartic to be able to express feelings so freely. So, for the umpteenth time, i'm trying to blog.
It has been one week since i've felt montreal and joined my wife and child in Seattle, WA. We are actually in a town called Auburn, south of seattle by a hour, but its easier to say seattle so people know what your talking about. I'm now west coast. Northwest coast. Pretty different. The trees still have their leaves and are now changing color. there are alot of trees. Tall tress. and cars, lots of cars, trucks, suv's. and hills. Hills everywhere. So now, that you have that picture in your mind (trees, trucks and hills) lets move on to more specifics.
Obama is president. HOLY MACARONI! elections in the USA is no joke. I thought we heard alot about it in canada but guys, they make house calls here. (i've gotten several calls from the potential govnener of WA, giving me the talk, "dude, i'm canadian") Its crazy to see the division the election causes. People seem to get replaced by ideas and beliefs and everyone gets clumped into groups. I was watching ellen and she had seen an bumber sticker saying no to gay marriage and felt hurt and attacked. And i felt said cause ellen is a great person and who would want to hurt her. This is happening with business men, politicans, ethnic people, other countries. Everything is being clumped together and so you don't have to be concerned about an individuals feelings when they are just an idea.
Whoever became president would need bucket loads of wisdom and really big balls! This country looks insane to lead and i can't imagine that pressure resting on one man, one family, one party. Grief, i think its drawing me to pray!
Dear Lord, i pray you bring peace to america. Lord, bless Obama and protect him and his family. God, you are good and just and loving. You desire that everyone knows you and lives in peace with all of creation. May we get closer to that through individuals who love others deeply and love you passionatly. In your name,Amen.
It has been one week since i've felt montreal and joined my wife and child in Seattle, WA. We are actually in a town called Auburn, south of seattle by a hour, but its easier to say seattle so people know what your talking about. I'm now west coast. Northwest coast. Pretty different. The trees still have their leaves and are now changing color. there are alot of trees. Tall tress. and cars, lots of cars, trucks, suv's. and hills. Hills everywhere. So now, that you have that picture in your mind (trees, trucks and hills) lets move on to more specifics.
Obama is president. HOLY MACARONI! elections in the USA is no joke. I thought we heard alot about it in canada but guys, they make house calls here. (i've gotten several calls from the potential govnener of WA, giving me the talk, "dude, i'm canadian") Its crazy to see the division the election causes. People seem to get replaced by ideas and beliefs and everyone gets clumped into groups. I was watching ellen and she had seen an bumber sticker saying no to gay marriage and felt hurt and attacked. And i felt said cause ellen is a great person and who would want to hurt her. This is happening with business men, politicans, ethnic people, other countries. Everything is being clumped together and so you don't have to be concerned about an individuals feelings when they are just an idea.
Whoever became president would need bucket loads of wisdom and really big balls! This country looks insane to lead and i can't imagine that pressure resting on one man, one family, one party. Grief, i think its drawing me to pray!
Dear Lord, i pray you bring peace to america. Lord, bless Obama and protect him and his family. God, you are good and just and loving. You desire that everyone knows you and lives in peace with all of creation. May we get closer to that through individuals who love others deeply and love you passionatly. In your name,Amen.
Honest and Vulnerable
There is a young girl in the community center I work at that I love. In my three years of work there she has been, by far, the most difficult child I’ve EVER met! I’ve met some difficult children but never someone so stubborn, jaded, angry and defiant. I love her! Our relationship has been rocky so any small victory has been rewarding.
One of those victories happened two weeks ago when we had a real heart to heart. I am animating a program about the different types of careers one can get and how much they pay and the amount of education they normally require. After a long conversation about the different stages of school (elementary, high school, cegep, & university) the young girl looked me dead in the eyes and said “why do I need to know this. I’m never making it to cegep. There is more chance I’ll be in jail before college”. This girl is 11 years old. And she was serious. She honestly believes this. It doesn’t help that none of her siblings have made it to university (she is one of ten) and a couple have done jail time.
Black History Month is about recognizing the obstacles and trials black people have overcome in North America and to discuss the steps society needs to take toward greater equality among the races. We all know about Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks and tons of the black American experience but Canada tends to be a little more unclear. The obstacles are a little less overt. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. That doesn’t mean that many black youth aren’t struggling with racial identity.
The conversation with the girl in my program was a victory because she was able to articulate her feelings and beliefs. And with that I can help her see just how many talents and abilities she has and why education is an option for her. But the victory began with her being honest and vulnerable. I hope that this month we can do the same and look at what wrong perceptions we have and begin to discuss with people who can show us how to correct it.
One of those victories happened two weeks ago when we had a real heart to heart. I am animating a program about the different types of careers one can get and how much they pay and the amount of education they normally require. After a long conversation about the different stages of school (elementary, high school, cegep, & university) the young girl looked me dead in the eyes and said “why do I need to know this. I’m never making it to cegep. There is more chance I’ll be in jail before college”. This girl is 11 years old. And she was serious. She honestly believes this. It doesn’t help that none of her siblings have made it to university (she is one of ten) and a couple have done jail time.
Black History Month is about recognizing the obstacles and trials black people have overcome in North America and to discuss the steps society needs to take toward greater equality among the races. We all know about Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks and tons of the black American experience but Canada tends to be a little more unclear. The obstacles are a little less overt. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. That doesn’t mean that many black youth aren’t struggling with racial identity.
The conversation with the girl in my program was a victory because she was able to articulate her feelings and beliefs. And with that I can help her see just how many talents and abilities she has and why education is an option for her. But the victory began with her being honest and vulnerable. I hope that this month we can do the same and look at what wrong perceptions we have and begin to discuss with people who can show us how to correct it.
okay..i'm back
I need to make these entries shorter! If I try to write the most profound thing each time I sit down at my blog, I’m never gonna post anything.
I’m now a father. My baby is almost 1 month old and really, it feels like a week. Maybe two. Time is going by so fast. Actually, since Christmas the time has flown by. I’m still writing January down at work. January is gone. Lord, I think I’m beginning to feel sick.
I’m not usually so overwhelmed by time passing fast but I feel like I can’t really get control of my life. My friends, my family, my wife, my child, my job, my dreams, my struggles are all so out of my control right now. I don’t seem to have the brain power to really excel or be fully engaged in any of it. Wait...that might be too strong. I’m engaged, I’ve just developed ADD. I’m always aware of the next issue or problem or task I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t stay on one idea or action for much longer than 20 minutes. Good thing I have a sleepy baby.
I wanna be able to wrap all of these little things up with a lesson or something I’m learning or at least a positive spin so I don’t look like a loser. Truth is…I’m lost. I’m lost and I know there is more…I’m just having a hard time finding my way. Let’s hope the next entry I’ve got some of my act together.
I’m now a father. My baby is almost 1 month old and really, it feels like a week. Maybe two. Time is going by so fast. Actually, since Christmas the time has flown by. I’m still writing January down at work. January is gone. Lord, I think I’m beginning to feel sick.
I’m not usually so overwhelmed by time passing fast but I feel like I can’t really get control of my life. My friends, my family, my wife, my child, my job, my dreams, my struggles are all so out of my control right now. I don’t seem to have the brain power to really excel or be fully engaged in any of it. Wait...that might be too strong. I’m engaged, I’ve just developed ADD. I’m always aware of the next issue or problem or task I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t stay on one idea or action for much longer than 20 minutes. Good thing I have a sleepy baby.
I wanna be able to wrap all of these little things up with a lesson or something I’m learning or at least a positive spin so I don’t look like a loser. Truth is…I’m lost. I’m lost and I know there is more…I’m just having a hard time finding my way. Let’s hope the next entry I’ve got some of my act together.
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