'Show'ers and 'Grow'ers

A couple of days ago I was in a pretty silly conversation with some co-workers. One male co-worker was saying how great it is to live at four different houses with four different women. I'm choosing to believe he was trying to make a joke. Gladly, the women in the room couldn't let the joke go unquestioned and demanded an explanation for such behavior and why would a girl let him play her that way. His response (and I'm not lying) was that he's "just that big" and "why do you think this pant leg is so wide". One of my co-workers shot back..."well some are 'show'ers and others are 'grow'ers, and left the room.

'Show'ers and 'Grow'ers.

What kind of man am I? I want to leave the topic of genitals for a moment and look within myself. Am I a 'show'er or a 'grow'er? What's the big difference and do I need to choose one?

This is the deal...i want to be great. Not like, I want to have lots of money and be able to go on cruises whenever I hate looking at the snow, but I want to be like Nelson Mandela great. Like, Apostle Paul great. Like, Great! But when I think about great people (which happens maybe once in a while) I can't help but notice that they had to overcome something difficult, they had to struggle, and they had to grow into the person I admire today.

I think I might be more like a 'show'er right now. The kind of guy who wears his accomplishments and victories on his sleeve and although it might not be much, its what I've got to show. Because show is easy. Its like the lowest form of entertainment, spectacle. Show my nice clothes, show my fancy car, my nice house, show my great relationships and education. Keep up an image and let others see how cool you are.

Now Growing...well, i have a friend. He's strange. He's very eccentric and a little crazy and sometimes annoying. When you get to know him you find out just how much he's grown. How much he's growing before your eyes. I can't help but love him now. He is not concerned with showing anything but with growing out of where he's been and struggled with and growing into the man God is calling him to be. He is becoming great.

The young man with the four different women in the four different houses, I think, is gonna learn to grow. Its not a trait men are encouraged to develop...growing. But I think he'll get it. Lord, I believe I'll understand it more too.

To all the men who are growing and have grown from being fatherless, purposeless, or worthless, thank you. You are great.

About A (poor black) Boy

There's a hole in my soul that won't heal
and there's a rage and a pain, even now i still feel
and even though i'm a man, still i don't understand
but that's what happens when you don't have
a father

There is a movie called 'About A Boy' starring Hugh Grant and Toni Collette (I don't expect anyone to know her and if you do, we should be friends!) and my roommate pretty much forced me to watch it. Its he's favorite movie of all time. I agree it's pretty great. In it, this young boy, a loser forces his way into the main character's life, played by Hugh Grant. The boy goes over to Hugh's house at the end of school every day and just watches t.v. with him until a relationship happens. Its wonderful. And sad.

I'm not ready for that. I know I need a father or I'm missing something from him. Something that my mom couldn't / can't give. And I'm not ready to force myself on to someone else to get it. Okay...lets cut the words...(oh grief) I don't want to say I need a man to teach me to be a man. (God, that sentence was so hard to type..LORD!)

In a couple of weeks I will be a father, to a son. I really thought I would have been 'okay' by this point. That this longing for a father or some man to decide he will teach me what it means to be a man would be gone. I hoped, or thought, I would of been self-taught by now and that I would not have to be in this sad place. But I am.

This is the point of my blog. I need to share what I'm learning, seeing and feeling. There are a bunch of books out there about being a man and being a man without a father but being a black man, well...there's not too many. I know this, I work at a bookstore. The black studies section and the men section is about as big as the bird-watching guide section. And there are so many of young black men in the same situation. Why do so many young black men still see themselves as poor black boys?

I want to talk about this. I want to find out all I can about this. And eventually (soon hopefully) I want to deal with this in my own life.