The Need To Be Perfect

If you know me, which you most likely do if you are reading this, you know i am not perfect. Its common knowledge. Agreed upon and understood. And yet i seem to be in the very familiar territory of trying to be perfect or keeping up an image of being perfect. And i think it might be driving me crazy.

Perfect, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is being without fault or defect. Fault or defect. So this should be clear and not confusing and not creating anguish in my life. No human being on the planet is perfect. It's impossible.

I want to say something deep and profound about society here. I think this is supposed to be that paragraph but i don't have anything to say (this has been happening a lot...is it possible to become mute slowly?). I'm feeling so far from perfect, so dented and used and like garbage that i feel ashamed to let people see me. I feel like to be good, i need to have anything in order, i can't admit mistakes and failures and bad attitudes. I mean, i can talk about past errors and the corrections I've made but to really be honest (i HATE honesty) is seeming like a huge monster over my head that will swallow me if i start to share. What on earth happened to me?

I want to blame other people. I want to blame my circumstances. I often blame God. (good thing He is so wonderful and doesn't hit me with lightning when i deserve it :P ) I think the truth is, it's in me and it has been in me for a while. Oh Lord, am i ready for this much honesty? I want to be good and right and rich and white and smart and funny and confident and macho and proud and witty and flexible (darn those olympic athletes.) I've had me for what, 27 years and i'm still not comfortable with me, my legs (their too skinny), my brain (its works too slow), my ethnicity (too much to even go into! LORD)

To my mom, don't worry, I'M FINE! ; ) It's always good to have to face yourself and really deal with who you are and what your made of. I'll be okay. (now, if only that didn't sound like i was trying to convince myself)